Effects of War

We went to church yesterday and heard a sermon that was very well done. Challenging. Motivating. 

Frustrating.

I found myself angry at the end. 

"Nobody wants to talk about what comes next," I ranted to my husband on the way home. "Everyone wants to talk about how you should give areas of your life up to God's control, but no one wants to talk about what that means. What that really means. Because I can tell you what it means. It means waking up one day and telling someone that you have 4 kids that are 5 and under and feeling just as bewildered as they are. It's feeling exhausted that every stupid decision you make is grounds for a spiritual battle. It means saying no to escaping to Disney World and wanting nothing more than your stupid bathroom to be fixed but knowing that God doesn't want you to go into debt in order to make that happen, but he also wants you home with your kids so what gives? Giving your life to God means knowing you're doing what God wants you to do, but having no freaking idea why this is what you're supposed to be doing because it sure doesn't make any sense. That's what's it's like. Living the life God has planned for you means feeling confused the majority of the time."

I'm frustrated right now. I'm depressed and angry and sullen and I'm mad. I'm mad at God and I'm frustrated that this is my reality. 

Having said that, I know that I am where God wants me. I LOVE my 4 children and they bring me the bits of joy I get to experience these days. I love watching Isaac grow and learn. I am SO grateful for my new job and I know I would be in an even worse place right now if I were still teaching. 

But.

But life is not all peaches and ponies right now. I feel strained. Stretched beyond what I can handle. I literally feel like every decision I have to make is a battle for my heart. In some ways, it makes me dig my heels in deeper in Christ. I can't see the future and I don't know what's at the end of this dark tunnel, but I know Satan is doing everything he can to keep me from clawing to the end. And that means something. I know that the harder Satan is fighting only means that God is doing great things. 

I just wish I wasn't the pawn.

Our second bathroom has been broken for a year and a half now. All of a sudden, all of my focus is on fixing the bathroom. It's silly and ridiculous. I'm willing to go into debt to get the bathroom fixed when a month ago I forgot the bathroom even existed. I was simply used to it not working. And every time I think about the bathroom I feel a tiny nudge saying, Not yet. My plan is better, and I just want to scream, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID PLAN. I JUST WANT A FREAKING PRETTY BATHROOM. WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG DEAL?

I don't want my bathroom to be a spiritual battleground. And yet it is. Satan is simply trying to distract me from something God wants me to focus on and you know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to make sure I'm following God's plan and not my own. I just want to throw my hands up and say I quit. I just want to see pretty, unbroken things. 

We were challenged to find an area of our lives where we are following culture and not God. My problem with this is that you have to understand what you are signing up for. You aren't signing up for bliss and blessings for following God. You're signing up to be a warrior in a spiritual war. God is a loving God and he gives you the supplies you need, but he doesn't necessarily build in vacation time on the beach. The stronger you fight for God, the bloodier the battle will become. 

I know God has called us to do things in accordance to his will. I know he has very specific plans that require us to not use birth control. I know we are supposed to homeschool. I know he wanted me to leave the classroom and take this job with DFCS. But that's about the only comfort I get some days. Because when you do things in accordance to God's will, you do things that don't make sense to other people. They don't make sense to other people because God has called them to do different things to fulfill other purposes and plans.  To be fair, the things God has called us to do don't make sense to me, even. And that can get lonely.

But at the end of the day I know our God is a mighty God. I know he is a good God. A loving God. He didn't give me a vacation on the beach, but he did give me a 2 am moment of clarity. I find myself grateful for those late night wake up calls now. I find myself free and at peace. My brain isn't foggy and I can think clearly. I feel God's love and I bask in it. It's better than Disney. It's better than a pretty bathroom. 

I know I am not the only one feeling the effects of a war. I am not the only one going to bed at night feeling physically and mentally beaten from Satan and his army. So to all of you I say, Fight on, Warrior. Things may be broken and ugly now, but that's because this is a war and one day, the war will end. 

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.