What If

The night Loraine went home I went to a mom's bible study that I've been attending. Every week there was a reason not to go, but every week Larry made sure I was there. He saw after the first week what an impact this study was making on me. Satan did too and so there were always reasons to stay home. That week was no exception. Psalm 139:16 "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" was our bible verse that night. The next morning I found myself sitting on the floor in my mother-in-law's home as she said, "You know what I read this morning? Psalm 139:16." And all I could do was smile as tears welled in my eyes. God had been at work. 

When we were in Savannah after Loraine passed, Larry and I went to the crash site. He wasn't sure why, but he knew he needed to go. For some reason, I was completely at peace with the idea. We took pictures, Larry walked the grid, and we didn't cry. I stood in the middle of the worst part of site and prayed. You know how sometimes you go somewhere and you feel the fear? You can sense the sadness or the tension in the air? That wasn't at the crash site. I felt nothing, actually. It was just a place. A random area I had never been to. 

In a weird way, Loraine's death helped me understand and receive peace about all the deaths I've dealt with. Her final conversation with her mom where she said she was following the light, and her question, "So I just pull over anywhere?" combined with that bible verse suddenly made me realize that What Ifs don't matter.

I think one of Satan's favorite, and most evil ways, to attack us is through "What if..."
What if Loraine had gone home a different way?
What if Loraine had not left her home at all that night?
What if I had a better relationship with my mother- could I have helped her?
What if I had been healthier- would my miscarriage have not happened? 

The worst, for me, was my father-in-law. I had so many What Ifs surrounding his death that I was in anger for a long time. And I wasn't mad at God, I was mad at Craig! I was so mad at him for not going to the hospital when his wife and son urged him to. I was mad that stubbornness took away a man that would have loved my kids and let me tell you, my kids would have LOVED Craig Summerlin. He's their Daddy x 10. So when he passed when Isaac was a baby and we weren't yet pregnant with Jared, I was angry. It was also the first major unexpected death Larry or I have had to deal with. It changed our perspective on life in general. I know a lot of people change when they have kids and they don't travel as much, but Larry and I tend to travel more simply because of Craig's passing. We recognize that we don't know when the last time is that we will see someone, so we don't want to miss opportunities. 

My sister-in-law's passing healed my grief over my father-in-law's passing. I will always miss him and I will forever wish that my kids could know him, but I like to think that there is one little baby up in heaven being doted and loved on by so many loved ones, including Craig, my mom, Loraine, Mema Brinson, Granddaddy Summerlin and others. I know now that stubbornness didn't take Craig away from us, God took his son home. 

Psalm 139:16 "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" tells me that it didn't matter where Loraine pulled her car over. In fact, she drove for awhile off the road. Her car went through a ditch and through some bushes before it hit the first tree. One of the questions Larry had was "Why was Loraine even on that road?" We ask questions like that and "Why didn't he go to the hospital?" because we wonder if they would have been with us had they done something different. What if.... But I know now that it wouldn't have mattered. Loraine's time had been determined. If she had been on a different road then it would have been a different tree. If Craig had been at the hospital then the doctors would not have been successful anyway. God's plan trumps all of ours, especially in death. 

Death is the ultimate price of sin and I get it now. I get why God was saddened in Genesis when Adam and Eve ate from the fruit. God is relational and he loves each of us. Death is something that glorifies him- he brings someone home to him, but at the same time, he watches us hurt. We are ripped from someone we love. We are separated from their daily conversations, their laugh, their hugs and I think God hurts with us. He understands better than anyone. He created us and he loves us beyond compare, and yet we often turn our backs to him. He knows what it's like to not have someone we love around. And I know it saddens him. Satan uses this vulnerable time to attack us with lies. "What if" and "You should have" along with "Why did God" are his favorites. But the good news is, even though Satan is whispering lies, God is still there. Even though life doesn't always make sense, God is there.

Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.