Family Update

You know what I hate? Five year plans. I can't just make a plan and then say, "But we'll see how it works out." No. If I take the time to map it out, it's going to happen. And when it doesn't, well, I kind of flip out. Because it was a PLAN and it was GOOD.

When Isaac was four we made a new plan to homeschool. We never considered homeschooling until he was 4 years old, but once we started I loved it. I figured we would homeschool until they graduated high school. Once Katie joined our family, we made a new plan that once she started Kindergarten, I would need to be home full time if we were going to continue to homeschool. But Katie had her own plan and that includes wanting to start school at age 3!

So that brings us to now. Larry has 3 jobs and I am still working full time while homeschooling 4 children. Don't try the math. It doesn't work.

This past week has been full of tears (mine), breakdowns (mine), and more than one empty wine bottle (me again). I kept hearing Dr. Phil in my head: "And how's that working for you?" and I wanted to punch him because it's NOT working and I HAD A PLAN, DR. PHIL.

When you're drowning, all you can do is kick your legs hard enough to get your nose above water before growing weak and falling below a wave again. You know what you don't get to do in those times? Look around. You can't see the lighthouse. You can't reach for the life preserver. You can't get your eyes above water long enough to see anything. You're just trying to catch your breath. And that's what I've been doing for the last month. I finally had to recognize that I have to do SOMETHING to get more air.

First step: Say it out loud: I CANNOT DO THIS. Accepting that *shiver* I can't do it all is really hard. I had to say to Larry and friends that I am drowning.

Next step: Pray. I read recently that sometimes God let's you hit rock bottom so you realize he's your rock. Nothing is truer. I cannot do this without God. And yes, I probably should have done this first, but I didn't. And I'm not going to pretend that I did. Honestly, I was kind of scared to pray to God because more than anything, I felt I had let HIM down. Larry and I look back over the past 4 years of homeschooling with NO regrets. We KNOW that keeping Isaac and Jared home was exactly the best thing for them and for our family. So to think that NOW it's not, makes it feel like it's my fault. Like if I was just a little bit better, things would work better. But the reality is, that math. It just doesn't work. Larry used to be home a lot more during the day and could help with homeschooling, but now he's not. And he's doing exactly what he should be doing. So we have to make some changes.

Step 1: Grayson will start PreK on Tuesday. Ya'll. The kid is SO excited! He keeps telling people, "I found the PERFECT SCHOOL!" He took a tour during NAP TIME and fell in love. We are all so excited or him! We made the decision to enroll HIM for many different reasons, but ultimately, he made the decision for us. He wants to go more than anyone. So we will start there.

Isaac and Jared will continue to be homeschooled, but using a different curriculum that a friend recommended. The curriculum I was trying was very demanding on me and still required a lot of planning and additional resources that I simply did not have the time to handle, leaving me feeling like a failure on a daily basis. I don't need that in my life, thankyouverymuch.

We have several different options for our paths moving forward at this point. Larry and I are praying as a family and thanking God for our family and all His many blessings. I now feel like I'm holding on to the life preserver and I can breathe for now. It's a great relief.

It's so hard to look at the plan you had and know that it's not going to work and this isn't working out. Being wrong is hard hard hard. But being wrong and stubborn is worse. So we're letting go. We have no idea where we will be in 5 years. We have no idea where we will be in two months or a year from now. All we know is we're holding on the life preserver, we can see the Lighthouse, and God is pulling us in to dry land. <3 p="">