Jared's Heart

When I remove the external factors and I dig and sift, cutting through the bramble that covers my secrets, I find My Greatest Fear for my children. My greatest fear for them is that they would ever question my love for them. I want it so ingrained that they feel it in their bones; that the very idea of ever wondering if their mother loves them is preposterous. In the months following Jared's birth I kept hearing, If only you'd loved him more. Things could have been different. I felt such guilt over what happened in the hospital and then, in a nice Catch 22, I continued to feel even more guilt over my postpartum depression. I was depressed about being depressed. It took several years for me to pull myself completely out of the lies that were replaying in my head. In the reality, I got out of my hospital bed, rubbery legs from the epidural, and I walked across the room to get him. Because nobody was taking my baby from me. In reality, I cried for him while he was in the transition nursery and went every 10 minutes to check on him until he was in my arms. In reality, I decided to never again take pain medication during birth because I never again want to hear the words, "You can't come here to him. You've had the epidural." In reality, I love(d) him fiercely. 

But the moments of early birth can shape you as a mother and I always wondered how Jared would be one day. My little Jared is 5 1/2 years old now and the kindest one out of all of us. 

We went to an Easter Egg Scramble a week before Easter Sunday. The children were separated by their ages, with the youngest going first. That meant that Isaac had to stand on the sidewalk while his siblings all had their turns. I worried for him and his patience, but he did very well. When it was his turn to go, Jared started pumping his fist in the air, shouting, "Go Isaac! Go Isaac!" Grayson started doing the same thing. Then Jared ran over to Isaac. I was worried he was going to start picking up eggs. But Jared is a Rule Follower and that was never on his mind. Instead, he leaned down to Isaac and said, "You're doing great, Isaac! Good job!" 

I have a theory that Satan's primary goal and objective is to ruin relationships. If he can ruin your earthly relationships, then maybe he can ruin your relationship with God in the process. I have another theory that Satan strikes hardest against those he feels the biggest threat from. I believe that's why he attacked my mother so viciously over the years. And I believe that's why I heard those lies so strongly following Jared's birth. Jared's heart is so big that I think Satan could feel the love from him the moment he was born. Jared, the one who sings Twinkle Twinkle to Katie as he walks backward from her bed at night. He times it just right so he closes the door right at the end of the song. He is the one who offers suggestions to his hurting brothers when they are sad. He is the one who wants to make sure everyone is in the van before we leave. I am so so grateful that God blessed Jared with his huge heart. He was able to overcome that first year and show me that God is always bigger. I feared that my lack of connection with him that first year would shape him in a negative way and may possibly influence our relationship forever. But again, those are the lies of Satan. And he does not have control of my son's heart. He wants it, though. He thought he could damage it. But all he did was prove to me how great our God is. Because God took my smallest son and gave him the biggest heart. 

I no longer fear for Jared and his future. My prayers now are simply that God continue to grow his heart and I know he will do great things with his love.