Grace

I remember sitting with my mom on a porch of an apartment she was living in. I was in high school and telling her my future plans. They involved joining the peace corps, becoming a teacher- maybe to the deaf or kids with special needs, and probably adopting one day. My mother laughed, not mockingly, but with joy, and said, "Oh Jenny, you're going to save the world, aren't you?"

I'll never forget that moment. It changed me. That simple question. 

In my head I thought to myself, "No mom, I really just want to save you. But since I can't, I'll save the rest of the world instead."

I know I am who I am today because of my mother. My Dad and step-mom showed me what Love is and they gave me a life. They provided me with a loving home, taught me how to manage my money and be responsible. They showed me how to work hard and how to raise a family and how to work at a marriage. They prayed for me and encouraged me when I turned my back on God. They paved the path while my mother provided the gas for the car.

Looking back I don't know how my brother did it. I don't know how he managed to love our mother and never leave her side. He called me once, sometime after Nana died, and called me out. I told him I didn't care, that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't let her hurt me anymore. "Jenny, I know what you mean, I lived with her. I know what you mean, but you can't just ignore her." I thought my brother was stupid. I couldn't figure out why he would let himself continue to be hurt.

Not too long ago we were in a small group and someone warned me. "You've got to reach out. Just send her a picture. Something. You'll regret it one day if you don't." I told myself they didn't understand. That I wouldn't regret it. I was too hurt and too tired of getting hurt.

My Dad had me go to therapy when I was a teenager. The very first session, Beverly started asking me questions about my mom. I was so annoyed. I refused to see her again. I remember thinking, "My mother has nothing to do with this. I wish people would stop trying to make me talk about her." 

I struggled watching Isaac grow up. When he hit the age that my mother left, a lot of emotions resurfaced. How could she leave me at this age? How could she choose a bottle over this? It was hard and it made me love and appreciate my boys even more.

But there is a side of the coin I never thought about until her death. 

There reached a point when it stopped being "my mother's fault" and it became my choice. A point came where my mother had nothing but joy in her voice to hear from me, and I had nothing but fear and caution when I spoke to her. Now that she's gone, I am forced to think:

How would I feel if one day, Isaac gave up on me? Refused to talk to me, refused to let me see his children?

The pain is suffocating. I simply cannot imagine.

I can't say that I have regrets. I did reach a point where I forgave her and I allowed her in to my life. I will say that I am so grateful that she got to meet the big boys. I'm thrilled that I attended the family reunion where she met Grayson. I'm so glad I accepted her friend request on FB so she could see Katie.  My Dad was right- she didn't need me to punish her.

It's important to remember the truth. I have to remember that I did discuss with her about meeting with her and Jeff and my brother. I never heard back. There's truth there. I don't have regrets because I don't know what else I could have done. Not just after that phone call, but through my entire life. I wanted to save my mother and the pressure in that overwhelmed me. 

There is truth in the pain I experienced growing up. Her death does not make that different. But her death does require me to examine the planks in my eyes that I judged her with. I am forced to examine my choices and accept them as my own. I cannot blame her for the anger that shielded my heart. I allowed Satan in and let him blind me. 

So what now? Now that she is gone and Satan has been forced to release his hold on her, he has also been forced to let go of me. I ache because I wanted nothing more than a relationship with my mother. I was too foolish to see that a point came when I could have had that, but I was still waiting on her to initiate it. I wanted her to call me and now that she's gone, I can suddenly see the phone in front of me. I could have called her. I could have, but I didn't. I was blinded by my fears.

So now I pray that I learn from this experience. I pray that I remember the grace God gives to us. His forgiveness. He watched over my mother every day and felt the hurt and pain of a parent watching a child destroy herself. But He never gave up on her. 

I pray that I never again experience the pain and turmoil that comes with having a parent with addictions. But even more than that, I pray that I can find peace, forgiveness, and love. People will hurt me again in the future. It's bound to happen. God wants nothing more than a relationship with each one of us, which means Satan's number one place to attack is through relationships. It's all a ruse, a trick. A way to keep us apart. 

I refuse to be duped again. I will choose love. I will choose forgiveness. I will choose grace. 

I love this song. I'm so grateful that I have a God who forgives me and I pray I can learn how to forgive in the future.

How He Loves Us

And He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
Eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh
Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

Oh, how He loves us, oh
Oh, how He loves us, how He loves all
How He loves

Yeah, He loves us, oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves
Oh, I love

Yeah, He loves us, yeah, He loves us
How He loves us, oh, how He loves us all