Answered Prayers

I prayed every night for my mom for half of my life. When I stopped I was in college and so confused. I couldn't understand why God never answered my prayers. My mother was an addict with no signs of getting better. She was a believer and I felt she put her responsibility on God to heal her, when it was her choice to pick up the current drug of choice and put it into her body. I turned away from religion as I felt people used it as an excuse to not take responsibility for their actions. I wondered about the shear existence of God as he was painfully silent. 

I spent several years that way until I found myself out of college, dating a man who was never going to marry me, taking Zoloft just to get through the day. I knew there had to be more to life than this. I wasn't necessarily living a bad life, but I was living a plain life. I was sad and I couldn't find my future.

I broke up with my boyfriend, stopped taking Zoloft, and prayed. I prayed at a stoplight on my way to work one morning.

"Dear God, It's been a long time. And I don't understand why you never fixed my mom. But I know that the life I've been living has sucked. I don't know what your plans are for me. And I don't know who or when you want me to get married, but I'm willing to put my life in your hands. I'll be ready for the person YOU want me to be with, rather than pick someone out for myself. I'll wait for who you want for me and I'll give you my life."

Two weeks later I met the man I would marry and we have continued to live the life God wants for us, rather than the one we would choose. 

As I read more about the Bible I've learned more about God's silence. It's so hard when you're in the swamp of pain and it's pulling you under, to see the beautiful trees and sky above you. It's hard to hear the sounds of the birds when your ears are filled with mud. But that doesn't mean that beauty isn't there. God heard my prayers. I have no doubt about that now. But God had other plans. God often works through generations. His timeline is different from ours. He will use the pain and turmoil of one generation to give hope and promise to the next. 

I know God did not make my mother's life the way it was. She had demons that had their talons so deep in her heart that she could not escape. I believe my mother lived in a battlefield of Angels and Demons that fought over her soul every day of her life. In the end, the demons won many battles. In fact, they probably won most of the battles fought. But there were so many people praying for my mom, including my nightly prayers, that the Angels won the war. It's hard to believe that someone who lived a life fraught with addiction and pain could have loved God. I gave up my love for Him based solely on the life she lived. And yet, she loved Him and knew Him to be the Answer. She knew He loved her. She knew He forgave her. And that is why, although the demons made sure she lived a long period of her life in hell on Earth, she will be blessed with an eternity of peace in Heaven.

In all reality, her simple, unwavering, child-like love and belief in her Heavenly Father is probably why the demons fought so hard for her. With her life there are two children who have given their lives to Christ. There are 4 grandchildren being raised to know and love God with two parents who will never leave them, all as a direct result of the life my mother lived. Generations of believers are being grown in a garden rooted by my mother's life. 

God did answer my prayers, but not the way I wanted. I wanted my mother now. I wanted a "regular" mom. A "real"mom. But that is not what He did for her. He did something far greater, far bigger than I could have ever imagined. He gave me a mother that will live in joy for the rest of eternity. 

When I think of my mom, the first thing that comes to mind is her laugh. She was always so happy when she talked to me. I know she loved me and I know she was proud of me. She only wanted the best for my brother and I, but was not able to give it to us. When I imagine her in Heaven, I know she is flying, soaring through the Heavens and laughing, spreading joy to everyone there. All she wanted was to have a good time and laugh. She never wanted the happy times to end. And now, they never will. Thank you, God, for answering my prayers.