With Jared I did the same thing- I bought a test, sure it would be negative. I was shocked and excited, but at least this time Larry was home. Of course, he had no idea I was upstairs taking a pregnancy test, so he was pretty shocked once again.
With Grayson, I REALLY didn't think I was pregnant. Larry knew I was taking the test, but I assured him that I was sure I wasn't pregnant. Once again I took the test and sure enough, two pink lines looked back at me. I think if a pregnancy test could laugh at you, his would have laughed at me. You thought you weren't pregnant! Hahahaha! That's a good one! This time, when I looked at the test, I let myself wonder, "Is this it? Is this the last time I'm going to see these pink lines?"My answer was no. I was fine with that and then went to tell my husband, who was actually very excited and had to help ME get excited for his pregnancy.
Katie was actually the first baby we actively tried to get pregnant with. Although we don't use birth control, we do attempt (not very well) to be careful, with the understanding that if God wants us pregnant, we will get pregnant and that has proven to be true! We decided we would actively try for a couple of months and if it didn't work, we would wait another year. We were good either way. This time, when the pink lines came back, I let myself wonder, "Is this it? Is this the last time I will see these pink lines?" And this time, the answer was yes.
Throughout her pregnancy there was a sense of finality. Everything I felt for the first time would also be the last. At least, possibly. Probably. Maybe. When Katie was born Larry told me he feels our family is complete. We both have a sense of completeness. But with that comes weird emotions that have to work themselves out. The baby blues chose to attach to my empty womb. I felt so sad that I wouldn't be pregnant again. That's exactly how I knew the feelings were hormones- anyone who knows me knows that I tolerate being pregnant because it IS a blessing, but man, I do not like being pregnant. At the same time, to know that all of those feelings, the good ones I mean, aren't coming back is just...weird. I've spend the better part of the last 5 years being pregnant. It's weird.
Part of the reason I was so shocked to see the first pink lines was because I did not think I would ever be pregnant. I've always had a strong desire to adopt, so I assumed that was because pregnancy would not be an option for me. I still think there is a sister out there for Katie who will join us someday. But I have no idea.
So if you're someone who's asked "Are you done now?" you've probably received some weird, awkward, cryptic answer from me.
I think so.
Maybe.
We'll see.
YES!! (Most likely answered in the middle of the store with hungry, crying children)
This is where life gets difficult. We simply don't know. The feeling we have of completeness could be a feeling for right now or it could be a feeling of forever. We may find that my feelings toward adoption, although wonderful feelings to have, are my own feelings and not part of God's plan. I do know that things are different. There was always a sense, from both Larry and I, that people were missing. We both would find ourselves doing head counts and realizing we had all of our children, even though we were looking for a child that hadn't joined our family yet. It's a wonderful feeling to go to bed at night and know that everyone who is supposed to be here is here. Our house and hearts are full.
Photo taken by Von Arx Photography
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