PPD

Jared's birth was very traumatic. Looking back, it's no surprise that I dealt with depression afterward. His birth changed the way I view birth. I understand the importance of leaving a birth with a healthy baby AND a healthy mom. So it's taken me by surprise a bit that I'm dealing with depression again. 

They say if you've dealt with PPD before you are more likely to experience it again. I'm also at a higher risk because depression runs in my family and I dealt with depression as a teenager and for a bit in college. So Larry and I have been very proactive. But it still hit me again. 

The first three weeks were amazing. I dealt with some normal baby blues around days 10 and 11, but they went away. Then when Katie turned 3 weeks, something happened.

The best way I have to describe it is to compare the depression to leeches. I think of it as two different kinds of leeches. There are leeches that suck the joy out of everything. All of a sudden that really cute thing your kid is doing is like a memory happening. You can see it. You are there. But the joy is missing. It's just a fond memory. You can say things like, "Good job" but you aren't really there.

The second kind of leech is even worse. Its job is to suck all of your deepest insecurities out of the depths of your soul and bring them to your surface. So while you're sitting there saying, "Good job" you can't really be there because you are too busy thinking about how fat and ugly you are. When it hits you that you aren’t really being present, then you start beating yourself up for being a bad mom. You should be in the moment and love your kids! Meanwhile, your kid is continuing to be cute and you’re too busy being sad. It’s terrible. 

PPD is so frustrating. Last time it focused on an event. I was a bad mom because of what happened in the hospital. It took me years to overcome that. This time there is no bad experience, so it's focusing on whatever I hate about myself. PPD is isolating. You don't want to reach out to people because God forbid they find out the terrible being that you are. At least, that's what the depression makes you think. 

Thankfully this time I'm aware of the signs. I've already reached out to my midwife and we're coming up with a plan. I have 4 children and a husband that need me. I can't withdraw and hide the way I want to. 

It takes so much energy and control just to ward off the PPD leeches (or demons some may call them). I have to say something before it gets out of control. So as I'm standing in front of the mirror before a party and I'm thinking All I want to do is get back in bed with Katie and my book and cry I have to say, "Larry, you need to help me stay focused on getting ready. I do not want to go to this party."Those times are the times I call "on edge." It's when I'm not crying, but I'm not necessarily happy either. I'm on edge. I'm fighting the fight and just trying not to cry.

The edge is where I've spent most of my time this past week. It's where, after getting help after Jared's birth, I spent roughly 9-10 months before I was completely back to normal. Anything can set me off. As can nothing. I can simply get tired of fighting and just cry, or I may start crying because Larry points out that the dishes need to be unloaded. When you're on the edge that kind of comment gets turned into Why don't you ever do anything? You're worthless. That's not what he said, nor is it what he meant. But  when you have your deepest darkest insecurities at the forefront of your mind, that's what you hear. 

Then I'm over the edge and I have to cry. I can't stop. I can't feel better. There are just waves upon waves of horrible thoughts about myself that crash into me. Nothing can be said. Nothing can be done. I try to be alone with Katie. I know her presence can help. I know that at the root of all of this is an imbalance of hormones. I need her body close to mine to help me balance back out. Even after I calm down I'm back on the edge and in a daze for hours, if not the rest of the day. It's hard to recover.

All because the dishes need to be unloaded. Or a diaper needs to be changed. Or a joke was said. 

It's quite ridiculous. Which is why I'm annoyed. I want to enjoy my life. I enjoyed it a week ago. Nothing changed. Except my hormonal balance.

When I'm not on or over the edge, life is so wonderful. I welcome these times of normalcy like the first warm day after winter. I'm sure to tell Larry "I feel normal!" I soak it up and recognize that it will not last. I enjoy it and bathe in it. I still remember walking out of the doctor's office after getting help from Jared's PPD and feeling like the sky was literally brighter. There was no knot in my throat. No insecurities yelling in my head. No fight to stay on the edge. Just. Normalcy.

I have no idea how long this will last. I can pray that it won't be long. I didn't cry today, which is a good sign, though much of the day was spent on the edge. I had times of normalcy though and they were nice. 

I am hoping that writing about it will help. I know it won't fix my hormones, but it will keep me from completely giving in to them. You can't let yourself go if people know. Depression of any kind gets its power from secrecy. It's one thing to be off the edge. It's another to be there and be alone.  

So, here's to making a plan with the midwife. Here's to more hours of normalcy!

As a side note, I have not had any thoughts of hurting myself or my kids. I know people worry about that first because of the news stories, but those stories are of a postpartum psychosis which I do not have. 

Update: July 9
I didn't realize when I wrote that post that it was on Katie's 1 month birthday. I'm happy to report that things are back to normal now. Shortly after I wrote this post we went to Tennessee for Larry's job. Who would have thought spending a day in a hotel room with my 4 children while resting with mastitis was just what I needed?? The night we came back I cried at the overwhelming reality of a life with 4 children and a house. But the next day I woke up refreshed and ready. God made me for this life. He blessed me with 4 AMAZING children and an incredible husband. I haven't had any of the above mentioned feelings since. That doesn't mean life is easy, haha, but I am no longer being attacked with depression. 

I do want to say, since you never know who is out there reading this in the Internet world, that if ANY of the above feelings are familiar to you, please seek help. YOU deserve to feel better and your family deserves to have the wonderful you back with them. Don't waste another day on the edge fighting when you could wake up and finally, gloriously, feel normal.