Katie's Birth Story- A Reflection

Katie's birth. Wow. It deserves two posts- this one will be a reflection piece because I need to process her birth. The second post will come later and it will be a picture post like I did with Grayson's birth. A friend was here for awhile and took pictures for us, so when I get the pictures, I'll write that post and it will have all the details of her birth.

When we planned Grayson's birth I knew I wanted a lot of people here. I hoped he would be born during the day. When my midwives and family arrived, I looked at the clock and decided he would be born by noon. He was born at 12:15. Labor was steady and never slowed down. I found relief from contractions by curling my body around the birth ball and moaning. When transition came I threw up- as is expected. I got in the tub and after some hard contractions, I said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and then he was born. There were obviously some other big details, but the point is, everything stayed along a linear line of expected outcomes for a normal birth.

For Katie's birth I knew from the beginning it needed to be more intimate. I only wanted Larry, the midwives and a photographer. I loved having doulas and my family last time, but for whatever reason, I just felt like only Larry should be here this time. I wanted her birth to be more peaceful than Grayson's. I had some fears during his birth that caused me to scream a lot at the end and I wanted a more calm experience this time. I felt she would be born at night. I thought her labor would be faster.

A few days before her birth Larry said to me, "I think she's going to come when we least expect it. I don't know why I have that feeling. I just think things are going to be unexpected."

As much as I hate to admit this, 9 times out 10 Larry is right. His instincts are frighteningly on point and this time was no exception. In fact, I plan to write "Not What I Was Expecting" so many times, that from here on out, I'm just going to type NWIWE.

I had weird labor pains at starting at 11 pm on Wednesday night. I texted my midwife (M) to let her know that things were getting intense and I was going to take a shower. While I was in the shower they slowed down, which told me this was not real labor. I let M know. The next day I went to work and contractions continued throughout the day. By 4pm that afternoon I told Larry he probably needed to come home early from work. M came over around 7 with the assistant midwife, N. Shortly after, a friend, Amanda, came over. She wanted to be there and offered to take pictures as our birth photography did not work out. Things were progressing well. I was at 5 cm when the midwives arrived. Shortly after things slowed down. My contractions were still growing in intensity, but not frequency. And so it went for the rest of the night. The intensity of the contractions was NWIWE. I could not find relief from them. I tried the birth ball and felt like it was crushing me. I pushed it away in frustraion. I tried squatting, all fours, someone massaging my back, sitting on the toilet, dangling, leaning, all of it. I moaned and tried to keep my voice low and soft. Larry moaned in my ear to help me follow his pitch. There was no relief except the breaks between them. Unfortunately, the breaks themselves became painful in their own right. I wanted things to progress. I was so excited when I threw up. That meant transition was here! Only the contractions continued to increase in intensity and not in frequency. Several hours later I threw up again. Again, the same thing happened. This was NWIWE. M checked to see how dilated I was and felt during a contraction. The contractions were intense, but they were not making me dilate. This was NWIWE.

I spent some time reading over my wall of inspiration. The verses took on a whole new meaning.  I had verses about God's unending love, encouragement and support that were supposed to help me through the painful contractions. Now they helped me through the painful waiting period. Verses that spoke about how God would never leave me were supposed to help during the peak of transition. Instead, they helped me know that God was still present during this quiet, calm, frustrating time. I had verses about patience for when I was in the pushing phase- I knew I needed to follow my body and push slowly, but now they provided encouragement as I labored long into the night.

I started asking M what we could do to speed things up. At 4 AM Amanda had to go to home and rest. Around 6 AM the assistant had to go to another birth. Another assistant, T, got to the house around 7:30 AM. At this point I was 7 cm. I had progressed 3 cm in a span of 12 hours. I told M I couldn't go another 12 hours like this. I was exhausted. I thought she would be born while The Office was on. Then I thought she would come between 12 and 1 AM. Now the sun was up and I still had no baby. This was NWIWE.

When the boys woke up I decided to go labor upstairs. We had planned to have Katie downstairs, but now I wanted to be back upstairs where I had birthed Grayson. I was hoping going back to my roots, back to the room of my first home birth, would help me to get labor picked up again.

M shared with me a recent birth she had been to where the mom was ready to push, then stalled. She told me about the mama's fears and how she had to push past that. I started crying and told M I was scared of the pain that was going to come. The contractions alone were NWIWE, what was pushing going to be like? I had been thinking all through the night about what was holding me back. Why couldn't I get this going? Why didn't Katie want to come?

We discussed the risks to breaking my water. I talked to Larry about it and we agreed on certain conditions: If I was at least close to 8 cm, and the bag of waters were right there, and Katie's head was also right there then we would do this. Something had to be done. M checked me and I was easily an 8 and everything was right there. I felt a strong sense of peace that this was what we needed to do now. I looked at Larry and he nodded. M waited for a contraction so that the bag would be taut and she could prick a hole. She waited. And waited. And waited. Again, NWIWE. Finally a contraction came and M let my water leak. I decided to take a shower so the water could leak out and not make a mess. The contractions came hard, strong, and fast. I banged on the side of the shower because I didn't know what else to do. No position helped. The moaning didn't help. Nothing helped. Larry thought I was banging to get his attention. He held my hands and told me to breathe and to moan lower and quieter. I shook my head at him. I couldn't speak, but there was no way he was going to tell me what to do. I was in pain. I was tired. I was angry. I wanted this to end. I thought to myself, "I can't do this anymore" but wouldn't let myself say the words out loud. Those words meant the baby was about to be born soon and I knew it couldn't be true.

As Larry stood in the doorway to the shower holding my hands, I saw Mandi sitting on the tub behind him. She explained that she was filling up the bathtub as a back up. The water in the pool was too cool and they were warming it up. I realized I had to throw up (for the THIRD time this labor). Getting out of the shower at that point was not going to happen. I got on all fours and started throwing up. In my shower. NWIWE. When I was done I stood up and told Larry I had to get in the tub. It was the strongest instinctual feeling I had had during the entire labor. I saw Mandi sitting by the tub and just knew I needed to be there. I got in and had a contraction. I threw my body around in the tub trying to get a position that would provide any relief. When it was done I told Larry I needed tissues and my hearing aids. I dried my ears and got one hearing aid in. Mandi told me the pool was ready if I wanted to go there. I said I did. Right then, before I could put in my 2nd hearing aid and get out of the tub, I had another contraction. It was the worst one yet. I yelled and Larry told me to moan lower and softer. I tried biting the tub. I started kicking the tub and thrashing. I started saying, "I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to do this anymore" in a high pitch squeal. My inner 3 year old was out and I was having a major tantrum. At this point I was lying sideways in the tub and suddenly I shouted, "I have to push!" M, calmly and firmly said, "Then push." I got onto my back and pushed. There was a pop and her head out was out. No burning, no hard pushing, just... pop. It shocked me. It was NWIWE. I was supposed to push slowly and instinctively. I was supposed to be on my knees. M was going to support my perineum so I didn't tear. Instead, I had an urge to push that was indescribably strong, I pushed, and her head popped out. M felt for the cord and felt it around Katie's neck. I pushed again and she told me to get on all fours and she started draining the tub. I didn't know the cord was there. I thought maybe her head came out of the water so we had to keep her out of the water. (Water birth is safe because the baby isn't breathing air yet. Once the baby takes a breath of air, you cannot put her back in the water.) I got on all fours and put my head down low and my bottom up high. I followed my body and pushed. More of her came out. M told me to keep pushing. I did and she slid right out. M pushed Katie between my legs and I grabbed her and sat down in the tub, pulling Katie up to my chest.

I think if there was a theme to this birth, other than NWIWE, it would have to be "Trust God." That kept coming up in the weeks leading to Katie's birth. It was in the series at church, it was in our small group study, and it was in my personal daily devotional. The focus had been on trusting God and whatever His plan is. It's not about trusting him to fulfill YOUR plans and it's not about trusting him to do certain things, but to simply... trust. As I held Katie in my arms, in our bathtub, I said, "Now I see. See, God, if you had just sent me an email letting me know, I could have understood." It all made sense when she was born. Giving birth in our tub had NEVER been an option. Our tub is a good size, but for a birth you want water that's going to cover your belly. Our tub is not deep enough for that. But if you have a baby who has a tight cord around her neck, you don't necessarily want to be in a deep pool of water. Also, I wanted a birth photographer so badly for this birth. However, now I am so grateful it was just Larry, M and I. I wouldn't have been able to let myself go to the primal edge I needed to be at to get Katie out quickly once my water broke. I would have held back, trying to maintain a sense of peace for the "perfect picture moment" but the reality is, I needed my 3 year old self to throw her tantrum. I needed to let my body do what God needed it to do to get Katie out quickly. God had a plan.

M told me later that it takes 2 for labor to happen- mom AND baby. She said the type of labor I was having can be caused by cord issues, which is why she was so patient during the long labor. She said she knew there was a reason for my labor progressing the way it was and it was better to let it progress naturally. I had been wanting her to break my water the night before. Instead, she waited until 9 am. Katie was born at 9:24. She did not need gas, and she made little movements and cries right away. We rubbed her and kept her warm and spoke to her and she pinked up very quickly. 

The rest of the night I kept saying, "I can't believe I gave birth in my freaking bath tub!" and Larry kept saying, "You just gave birth in our tub." It was so NWIWE that we are still reeling from it. And of course, he loves that I kicked the tub and whinned. 

The first time Larry and I were alone with Katie, Larry looked at me and said, "I love you." I looked back at him and said, "I'm so glad that's over." 

Her birth changed me, but in a different way from Grayson's. I didn't feel high after her birth like I did with Grayson's. I just felt relieved. Tired. Shocked. I always said I could have a natural home birth because I have relatively short labors. I don't have those 24 hour long labors. Well now I have. And I will just say, there was more than one occassion where I thought to myself, "It is ridiculous that M doesn't carry epidurals with her. She really should have those! I'd take a Tyenol at this point! ANYTHING!" It was humbling. Grayson's birth was intense and hard and painful. But if you were to ask me if I'd rather give birth to my 10 lb 8 oz baby or my 7 lb 4 oz baby, I would take the 10 pounder anyday of the week. I had a theory that it's not the size of the baby that makes birth hard and Katie at least proved me right on that. 

There are a few things I learned from this birth.
1) Give birth at the place YOU feel safest. Call it instinct, mother's intuition, or the Holy Spirit, but follow it. I knew home was where I needed to be with Grayson. I knew home was where I needed to be with Katie. Looking back on both of their births, I know I was exactly where I needed to be for them to have the safest births possible. 

2) If you choose to have a drug-free birth, take a birth class. Even though it was my 4th birth and my 2nd drug-free birth, I needed more tools. I know I could have handled the experience far better had I taken Birth Boot Camp or Hynobabies. There are lots of natural birth classes out there (the hospital birth classes do not count as natural birth classes) and you need to find one. I had the "I've done this before" mindset. But what everyone says is true: Every birth is different.

3) Trust God. There's a chorus from a song that has been in my head for weeks and kept replaying during the birth:
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

God alone knows my past and at 3pm, 10pm, 2am, 9am, 9:23am and all the minutes in between he knew my future. He was by my side. I never felt deserted. I only felt confused. I am such an impatient person. I just wanted to have Katie. I wanted to know what God knew. Katie's birth experience was so incredibly powerful. It was the strongest, most palbable way for God to prove to me what He's been trying to teach me my entire life:
Slow down. Let ME take control. You can't fix this. You can't speed this up. You can't do this alone. All you can do is wait for ME. Trust ME. There is a reason for this. Trust me.

I could not have done it without the people God put in my life. My husband and his unending support through it all. My midwives and their knowledge, peace and comfort. My new friend that was there for anything we needed. My parents who kept the boys fed, in bed, and then taken care of the next morning. I'm so incredibly blessed. So. Blessed.

Thank you God for never failing. Thank you for fullfilling your promises. Thank you for this experience. It was the hardest thing I've ever done with the greatest reward- a beautiful daughter and a lesson I will take with me through every day of my life.