Where's God?

I remember the moment we found out that Larry's Dad passed away. We were driving to church with Isaac in his carseat. Larry answered the phone, turned right into the first neighborhood we came to, stopped the car and dropped his head. When he got off he said to me, "My dad's dead." It was almost a question. I remember praying to God, "I'm not equipped for this. I'm his wife, but I don't know what to do here. What do I do?" It was incredibly frustrating to be unable to fix his pain. I knew people would worry about Larry and then they would think, "Well, he at least has his wife. She can be there for him." But I had no idea what I was doing and I knew I was in way over my head. 

Larry's mom accidentally called him around 11, just before we went to sleep. "Oh thank God" we both said. "You do NOT want a phone call at 11 pm from anyone. That's never good."

At 2:30 I saw the back of Larry as he sat on the edge of the bed. I heard him say "Mom" so I knew at least SHE was ok. Loraine's name came to mind first. Then Ben, Jeremiah and all the other loved ones that we would get a 2:30 am phone call for. 

"My sister's gone."

That same horrible sinking feeling. A feeling not so much of loss, but of... well there's no one word for it. But a feeling that you know you aren't supposed to be going through this right now. The realization that this would rock our world. From this point forward, things will be "Before Loraine's accident" and "After Loraine's accident." Everything changes.

Earlier in the evening we heard of Mema's passing. We just saw her last month at her birthday party and I am SO grateful that we were there. I saw a picture of her the other day on FB, shopping for Christmas decorations. I take peace in knowing that her last days were good ones. 

When we arrived in Savannah I was not prepared for what I saw. I saw a grandmother and grandfather with swollen red eyes comforting their daughter on the death of her own daughter. Meanwhile I had my daughter in my arms. The grief is inexpressible. 

It's times like these that people often wonder, "Where's God? How could he let this happen?" But after the recent passing of my mother, my Dad's cousin, and the miscarriage, I know where God was. He was welcoming Loraine home. He knew she would be coming home that night. We did not know it and so the loss cuts us deeply. But God was there. 

When someone we love is taken from us, and in such a tragic manner, it's easy to wonder about the existence of God. But I know God exists because I know evil exists. Murder exists. Hatred, jealousy and bigotry exist. I know God exists because, despite all of that, good exists too. Life exists. Love, compassion and forgiveness exist. God is fighting for us and with us every day. But he's not the only one fighting and I think sometimes, we are blaming him for things done by the other side. God made us to desire relationships, which is why we ache with loss and grief when someone we love is gone from us. It's why mothers never give up on a missing child. It's why there is an industry that makes gobs of money selling us movies about love. But it's also why we are never alone in times like these. God has given us this family. I'm not alone in helping Larry deal with his grief and I wasn't alone with the passing of his father. This family is large and loving and God is here. 

I know Loraine and Mema are in heaven. Their bodies are made perfect. I know Mema is walking straight and tall, her hands smooth and she is free of pain. Loraine's skin is free from the burns her accident caused. Her body is free from the sicknesses she dealt with during her life. As much as I will miss them, as much as their absence will forever create a hole for us here on Earth, I know they are free now. I know we have God and each other to get through this day by day, moment by moment. Love. Breathe. Love.