My Plan is Better

Katie was born almost 6 months ago. Though our second planned drug-free birth at home, her birth was different. The labor was long, slow, and painful. None of the management techniques helped relieve any of the pain. Several times I thought the labor was almost done, only to be met with hours more of pain. Just before she was born I found myself in my bathtub, kicking, punching and biting at the tub. I was thrashing my body around trying to find relief. After she was born I did not have the euphoric feelings of joy. I just felt relieved that it was over. Every time I look at her now I feel joy, but at that time, I was just exhausted. Several times since her birth I have had the feeling that her birth was a foreshadowing event to warn us of what was to come. 

We laid my sister-in-law to rest yesterday. In August I laid my Dad's cousin to rest as well as my mother. In September I found out I was pregnant. We decided on a girl name and a boy name. I called the baby by the two chosen names and I told him/her I loved them. A few days later I had a miscarriage. In November I laid to rest Larry's grandmother and his sister. Like in Katie's birth, I struggle to find relief from the pain. I keep thinking the hard times are almost over, only to be greeted with more tragedy. 

I was talking to my mother-in-law last night and told her I am so tired of feeling sad. She told told me she believes God is preparing me for something. She said she believes all of this grief will be made into something beautiful. I told her I don't want to be prepared right now. And I don't. I don't want to be God's newest special project. 

Nobody really knows this, but I was in the throws of a great depression. It started in October. I felt like I was part of some spiritual warfare. I fought it for awhile. I recognized the thoughts as Lies and used prayer and rational thoughts to keep me sane. Then one day I woke up, looked at my husband and said, "I just need you to know, I'm done. I'm done fighting and I quit and you shouldn't expect anything from me today." Our kids were absolutely nuts that morning. I couldn't quit because Larry needed me. I recognized then that God was using my children to keep me in reality, to keep me in Life, and I was annoyed. I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry.

It's frustrating to feel like demons are surrounding you and you don't know why. You know you should fight them off, but at the same time, it's hard to know what you're fighting for. We asked our small group on Sunday to pray for me. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday each got progressively better. I started to have clarity. I woke up in the middle of the night on Monday and felt the best I've felt in months. My mind was clear and I felt at peace. I woke Larry up and told him that God was trying to do great things in his life, but Satan was attempting to use me to stop him. I told him the things he needed to do. Yes, I gave my husband a 3:30 am "Honey Do" list. I told him that I would try to help him, that I wanted to help him, but if I was not in a position to help, he needed to do those things without me. He could not let me stop him.

Right now we are still in Savannah and I feel protected. I feel the warmth of angels protecting me. I am so scared to go home. I told Larry I want to go to Disney World. Just one day. I want to escape my life for just a moment. We did the research and got a plan and at 11 pm it was time to make the reservations. We would leave from Savannah and go to Disney World for 2 days. I so need to get away. And then I had such a strong urge to pray. I didn't want to pray. So I said to Larry, "Ok, so what do we do?" My husband, the man God gave to me, said, "Well, we pray." I could have punched him. I didn't want to pray! So we prayed. And I kept hearing "My plan is better. Trust me. My plan is better." I didn't want to hear this. I wanted to hear, "Put it on the credit card and GO! Go to Disney!" I asked my husband what he was hearing. He told me what he was thinking and I told him I didn't want to know what he was saying, I wanted to know what he was hearing. I left to feed Katie and when I came back, he said we should go. This made me even MORE frustrated! I was mad that we weren't on the same page, when we are always on the same page, and I was mad that this meant I had to say out loud what I had been hearing. 
"I keep hearing "My plan is better." But I don't believe that because right now, I don't like his plan. It can't be better than Disney. This sucks." My husband told me he would have felt foolish putting it on the credit card, so we aren't going. 

So now we wait. We will prepare to go home and we will brace ourselves for the reality that will greet us there. I will grieve. Again. And I know I will yell at God. Times will be hard and I know I will say to him, "Really, God? THIS is better than Disney? Wrong. You. Are. Wrong."  

But I know he isn't wrong. I will praise him for my family and I will thank him for all the many, wonderful blessings we have. When I grieve I will yell at him and simultaneously lean into him. I will trust.