Wow! I can't believe the day we've had. This post will just have text, so I'm warning you now that there aren't any pictures this time around. However, plenty of pictures were taken and will be posted. For tonight, as I lie in bed with my husband at my side and our baby sleeping between us, I just want to reflect on a few of the highlights before I forget! Pictures and a full blown birth story will be posted later.
This post will be random!
I've been reading A LOT of birth stories lately to get myself prepared and in the right mindset. One of the stories was from a woman who had a hypnobirth. I'll confess, I didn't look too much into this simply because of the name of it. The whole idea of going inward was not what I was looking for- I wanted an experience that required me to look outward to God. However, she mentioned in her story that her visualization technique was to imagine herself on a surfboard in the ocean. When her contraction peaked, she would be at the top of the wave, then she would count backward from 20 and she would be at the bottom of the wave and the contraction would be done. When I had painful contractions in the middle of the night a few nights ago, I thought of this technique and it worked, but I didn't like that God wasn't there. So I added Jesus in my vision and He was standing on the water next to me. It helped me out a lot. There was a moment today when I KNEW that this was it. I was standing over the crib and a contraction hit. This time, though, Jesus standing next to me wasn't enough. I changed the scene so that He was standing on the surfboard carrying me. I prayed over and over Jesus, I need you, I need you, I need you, please carry me, please carry me, please carry me, I need you, I need you, I need you and I just repeated that over and over until the contraction was gone. I felt His presence and I was so grateful to be able to rely on him to hold me the way I would soon be holding my son. I knew then that this was the real thing because my reliance on Him was so desperate.
I think that it's funny that one of the benefits of being at home is being able to try out ANY positions. However, my favorite quickly became one that I learned about last night while talking to a woman who had a natural childbirth in the hospital. She used the same doula I used and we've been playing phone tag for months. She would put her head on the ball and basically rest her belly on the floor. I loved it, I loved it, I loved it. I was able to grab the towel I had placed on the ball and bury my face in it. When one of the doulas recommended that I try standing through a contraction and hold my arms around Larry things got beyond serious. The gravity definitely pushed things to the transition phase, which I'll admit, I was not pleased with, but at the same time, I loved holding onto Larry.
At one point when it was still just Larry and I, he had music playing that I had requested. It was music from our church and it was songs that have touched me with the lyrics. I was swaying to the music while standing over the crib and he was rubbing my lower back. I started laughing because I knew that he was probably rubbing my back to the rhythm of the music and since I have NO rhythm, I was sure that I was messing everything up because his rub did not match my sway. He told me it didn't matter and that right there shows his love for me because anyone who knows Larry knows the importance of rhythm in his life :)
I moaned. It was SO weird because I've watched birthing videos and I've read about how moaning is natural and normal and yada yada. The fact is, it's weird... when it's not you :) It didn't take long for the moaning to start. And yes, I screamed during the birth. My doulas jumped right in to tell me that I needed to use the screaming and turn that energy downward to push my baby out. I did what they said... for a few minutes. Then I screamed really really (really) loud and I said to everyone "I don't want to do this anymore." Everyone laughed at me and I was not amused. I can't wait to go back and watch the birth video (yes, I had someone film it, no it will not be posted on the blog haha) and see what my expression was. I didn't know I could scream that loud and I'm curious to see what it actually looked like to everyone else.
I was really surprised at the level of peace I felt throughout. I was scared at first because of how quickly things were progressing- they went from 6-7 minutes and pretty bad to minutes apart and terrible. However, once everyone got there I was good. It never even occurred to me to be scared anymore. I was just scared of the pain because you really can't prepare yourself for it. At one point, when it was still just Larry and I, I knew that if I were at the hospital, I would have given in to an epidural. That was part of why I liked home birth- it wasn't an option :) It also occurred to me that if you decide you don't want an epidural, you have to be 100% committed to it. You can't walk in and say "Well, maybe. We'll see how it goes." You have to be committed to the philosophies behind not having an epidural- I knew this time around that there are so many reasons that you shouldn't have one and I believe in those philosophies. I believe in having a drug-free baby and a drug-free mommy. I understand now the importance of it and let me tell you, there is a significant difference in my newborns (and ME!) after having an epidural and not having one. Yes, it was excruciating, but totally worth it.
I loved loved loved having my boys here. In fact, they are still here tonight. My mom is spending the night downstairs for our own security and I love that my boys were able to see me. (I'll post more about their reactions later- basically, Jared is curious as always and Isaac is a little wary. He doesn't do too well with big change so we have some ideas to help him out the next few days. He's not mean by any means, but he's definitely quiet around me and won't come to me right now. I'm still stealing those kisses though!)
I have to wrap this up now because Grayson is moving around which means he's ready to eat! But the funniest moment of the day was this:
Simone (a friend from work) sent me a text. Now, several people from work have had a running joke with me after one of them found a blog post about a woman who was going to give birth in a Koi pond with real live koi fish. I assured everyone that no animals would be taking part in our "hippie" home birth :) Anyway, she has been teasing me a lot about the koi birth. She texted me and Jared had my phone. He ACCIDENTALLY texted her back with this:
koi
It was perfect and hilarious.
I love our new baby, I love our older babies, and I love my husband. Life is good.
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